Mickey's Gripes - Dcember 16, 2003
A vagrant, who’d obviously seen more than his share
of hard times, approached a well-dressed man on the street.
“Hey, Buddy... can you spare two dollars?”
The well-dressed man replied ..... “You’re not
going to spend it on liquor are you?” “No, sir,
I don’t drink,” retorts the vagrant. “You’re
not going to throw it away on gambling, are you?” ...the
gentleman asked.
“No way! ... I don’t gamble either!” ...
answered the vagrant.
“You wouldn’t waste the money on golf equipment,
would you?” asks the man.
“Never!” says the vagrant, “I don’t
golf!”
So the man asked the vagrant if he’d like to come home
with him for a home cooked meal. He accepted eagerly. While
they were heading for the man’s house, curiosity got
the better of beggar ... “Isn’t your wife going
to be upset when you bring a guy like me to your house for
dinner?”
“Probably,” said the man, “but it’ll
be well worth it for her to see what happens to a man that
doesn’t drink, gamble or play golf”.
Tommy O'Brien went golfing every Saturday and Sunday. It
didn’t matter what kind of weather it was, he was hooked
on a round of golf on his days off.
One Saturday he left the house early and headed for the golf
course, but it was so bitter cold that he decided he wouldn’t
golf that day and went back home.
His wife was still in bed when he got there, so he took off
his clothes and snuggled up to his wife’s backside and
said, “Terrible weather out there.”
She replied, “Yeah, and can you believe my stupid husband
went golfing.”
On behalf of my wonderful staff and myself, I would like
to wish all of our customers and friends a happy holiday season
and a prosperous new year! Mickey.
Events
We recently hosted two fantastic music evenings in the Galway
Room. We had an evening of traditional Irish music featuring
Peter Molloy and friends. We also featured Vernon Northover
and the British Yankees. Check out
some video clips. Both of these acts will return early
in the new year.
After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe
sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered
with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction.
The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond
in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action
was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the
next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers
lack a sense of humor.
Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems
as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by
maintenance engineers.
P = The problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.)
P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per
minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like
a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
Mickey's Gripes
Jeff Germagian is the president of Hopedale Country Club
of which I am a member. He is a very nice man but of small
physical stature. He loves to pick on me. Perhaps he is xenophobic
or maybe it is the only chance he gets to pick on someone
his own size. At Myrtle Beach last year, he and I engaged
in the "battle of the giants." While I emerged victorious,
he took all the good out of it by blaming me for all his bad
shots while receiving no credit for his good shots which were
few and far between. In a recent bulletin to all members he
included the following sentence, "A list of the Officers
and Directors are listed at the end of this Newsletter."
So a list are listed and the officers, directors and newsletter
are so important that they warrant capital letters no matter
where they appear in a sentence. Mrs. Germagian should buy
him a golf instructional book and a grammar book for Christmas.
Merry Christmas Jeff from a regular member at the club. GOTCHA!
On a sincere note, congratulations to Hopedale Country Club
on its 50th anniversary and its new clubhouse.
I received a phone call some months ago from a man who requested
that I hold out the phone for a while so he could capture
the atmosphere of the bar. He explained that he used to come
in quite frequently but that now he has quit drinking and
misses the place. He thanked me for understanding and made
me hold out the phone for another minute of so. I was quite
touched by his sincerity. Sometime later my friend, Tim Sheehan,
asked me if I remembered getting such a call. When I said
yes he proudly proclaimed "that was me." Nice one
Timmy, you rotter! He also told me that he had a beer in his
hand when he made the call.
A legal question- Many people are referred to as being legally
blind. Does this mean there are people who are illegally blind?
Santa Claus must hate doing his rounds in the U.S.A. He
gets milk and cookies in every house whereas in Ireland every
household leaves out a bottle of Guinness for him.
On Thanksgiving, Chinese people from all over New England
descended upon Foxwood's Casino. Chinese food cannot compete
with Turkey on this holiday so all the Chinese restaurants
close, giving all their employees an opportunity to gamble
and have a few drinks. In an article in the Boston Globe,
the manager of Foxwood's said, "I guess Thanksgiving
is not really big in Chinese culture." That was a great
guess!
On Sunday nights I love to stay up to watch Bob Lobel's
show Sports Final but last Sunday I missed it. For once I
got drunk before he did and I had to go to bed.
My family and I like to go to La Cantina Restaurant in Framingham.
On a recent visit there was an insert in the menu which stated,
"Do to the increase in lettuce, we can no longer all
you can eat salads." I could not let this go. I called
over the waitress and asked her if there is an increase in
lettuce how come we don't get more not less. There was, of
course, no increase in lettuce but an increase in the price
of lettuce.
That's all for now folks.
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Mickey's Gripes - July 25, 2003
When I was young and saw people with spectacles hanging on
the edge of their noses reading books and letters,I thought
to myself, they are on the "back nine" of life.
Now it has happened to myself. Stage one is having to hold
out the reading material as far as possible from your eyes.
Stage two, your arms are not long enough. Stage three, you
admit to the problem and purchase a pair of 1.25's. It is
very important to keep a few pairs in strategic places. I
keep my main pair by the TV in the bar. The only thing worse
than having to wear reading glasses is to have them stolen
and it happened. I told all my staff and customers how livid
I was and that I wished a slow and painful death on the thief.
Mr. and Mrs. McKenna, from Millis, went out and bought me
a very stylish replacement pair complete with case. They are
either very generous or had enough of my complaining or ,more
than likely, both.
Last Sunday, Kerry and I took the kids to Breezy Waterslides.
Unlike organized families, we did not bring a cooler or a
grill. Food, thankfully, was available including chicken nuggets.
While waiting in line I checked out the menu. Chicken nuggets
were $2.10 for 6, $2.75 for 9 and $4.20 for 12. If anybody
can figure out the logic of this price structure, please let
me know. I decided that 18 nuggets would be a suitable number
for the family. Naturally, I bought them in 2 nines and not
a 12 and 6, thereby saving myself $0.80, thank you very much.
Mickey's Gripes - June 19, 2003
Having spent hours and hours reading books and watching videos
on how to improve my golf game, it remains as lousy as ever.
I'm sure many of you can share my frustration. There should
be only one video and one book called "Forget about improving
your golf game, learn how to screw up other people's games."
Choosing the right words and actions at the right times can
drive your "friends" to distraction. Mike Curatola,
with his cell phone is an expert on the subject. It must be
great to be as important as him.
While I love going to the supermarket, it is always a problem
when you meet friends or neighbors because the first thing
that they do is stare in your basket to examine your groceries.
Let's face it, we stare in their baskets too. It is the supermarket
version of I'll show you mine if you show me yours. My friend
Timmy Sheehan recently caught me examining the contents of
Stop 'n Shop section titled "Not the best but still a
good buy." How embarrassing to have your friend sneak
up on you when you are considering purchasing rotten bananas
to save a few cents.
Congratulations to us on being voted the best bar in Medway
by the local newspaper, The Telegram and Gazette (actually,
Mickey, that would be Worcester's local paper. Medway's local
paper is the Country Gazette. ed.). Congratulations
also to Massive Video on being voted the best video store
in Medway. The judges must've mulled over that decision for
a long time considering that it is the only video store in
Medway.
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Mickey's Gripes - March 27, 2003
Classic Properties in Medway have a big sign over the front
door saying "Celebrating our 15th year in business. 15
years of caring."
If they are celebrating their 15th year, they have completed
only 14 years of "caring" unless, of course, they
started "caring" before they opened. I doubt very
much if that's the case. We all know what they "care"
about too. It is making a few dollars just like the rest of
us.
On the week of St. Paddy's day, in the real estate section
of The Gazette, the following advertisement appeared "Listing
with anyone but Laura Riley and Nancy Maiorana is like "ironing"
a "4 leaf clover..." you'll be "pressing"
your "luck!!!"
Oh god the wit.
Stop and Shop are also celebrating a birthday, they are
89 years old. To show appreciation to their customers they
are offering a free coupon book. The generosity is enough
to bring a tears of joy to my eyes.
Speaking of Stop and Shop, there is a guy who works over
there, called Bob. He bags groceries and brings shopping carts
in from the parking lot. Sometimes he stands by the door and
says to everybody leaving, "Have a Nice Day!" He
is a very nice man. One day, however, a customer was caught
shoplifting. Two managers approached him and asked him to
come upstairs to the office. They told him that he was caught
on tape, the police had been called and were on the way. He
turned around and saw two cops coming up the stairs. So he
jumped over the railing onto the floor below whereupon he
instantly broke his leg, thereby aborting his escape. Then
the ambulance was called so the parking lot was full of police
and emergency vehicles with sirens going off. The shoplifter
was brought out on a stretcher with a police officer on either
side. As they were going out the door, Bob said to the man,
"Have a Nice Day!"
My friend, Ross Trachtenberg, called me to tell me of an
ad in the Boston Globe for an eloquent apartment. I could
not resist the temptation so I called the number and asked
the man how eloquent the apartment was. I used my best English
accent as it helps enormously to sound condescending. He told
me that it had four bedrooms, a full bathroom and a wonderful
view. I then asked him "Does the apartment speak?"
and I explained that if the apartment is eloquent, not only
does it speak but it speaks rather well. He was not too pleased
to say the least.
USA Today listed in reverse order "The Ten Most Difficult
Things to do in Sports." They mentioned marathon running,
cycling in Tour de France and gave number one to hitting a
baseball. Now, I have spent a lifetime watching sports on
both sides of the Atlantic. Scoring a perfect 147 in the game
of snooker is infinitely harder because I've only seen it
performed maybe 3 times ever. I don't see too many no-hitters
in baseball. On the lighter side, here are some very difficult
things to do in sports. When in a pot bunker in golf, it is
extremely difficult to swing your club and throw the ball
out at the same time without getting caught. Sneaking pool
balls into the pockets while your opponent is taking a swig
out of his beer is not as easy as you think. Watching NASCAR
is extremely difficult. Finding a Fenway Frank in October
can be quite a task. The most difficult thing to do in sports
is to shake hands with your opponent a the end of a round
knowing that he went into the woods for a wee wee in the middle
of the game.
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Mickey's Gripes - February 13, 2003
Love is in the air. The florists and the jewelers are out
to make a killing. Kay Jewelers (one L in American spelling)
advertise on the radio that they have 15 convenient locations.
To whom or for whom, exactly, are these 15 locations convenient,
I would love to know.
I hate when I make an idiot of myself. But here is a few
examples of my doing it in style. On a recent visit to Emerald
Square Mall, my wife Kerry and son Michael were busy in Build-A-Bear
so I decided to have a look around and found a store called
Sports Treasures. It contains thousands upon thousands of
sports pictures framed, unframed, signed and unsigned, in
all shapes and sizes. While I realize that my quest to have
soccer more widely recognized in this country is both anal
and futile, I remain undeterred. In I went. There were two
guys behind the counter. One of them asked, "Can I help
you?" I said, "Could you direct me to your soccer
section?" He said, "We don't have one." I then
asked, "Do you have any soccer pictures?" He said,
"No." I said, "Not even one?" He said,
"No." I then said, "You don't have a picture
of the Brazilian team that won the World Cup, the Manchester
United Team, Pele, George Best, Roy Keane, Landon Donovan
or Mia Hamm?" He said, "No." So then I said,
"You know what that means, it means I cannot buy anything
in this store because soccer is the only sport that I have
any interest in whatsoever." I walked out satisfied that
I have spoken my mind. A few minutes later I told Kerry my
story and she looked at me and said, "Mickey, you are
wearing a New England Patriots jacket." Oops.
A few years ago, when my children were 5 and 3, it was always
nice to find something new to do. Driving around we sometimes
happen to find new parks. We found a nice one in Hopedale,
one in Upton and two in Medway. One day I found a brand new
park on Rte. 126 in Bellingham. Delighted, I took the children
out of the car, entered the park and placed them on two swings.
Wheee! A woman approached me and asked "are you all set?"
I said,"Yes thank you, I'm all set." Then she said,
"I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to leave."
I asked, "Why?" Then she told me, "Sir, this
is a daycare center." (Crèche, to our Irish readers.)
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January 17, 2003
Happy New Year to everybody! Here are some ramblings about
last year and this new one. I had to work on January 1st,
the annual hangover holiday. I had made a New Year's resolution
to continue to be a pain in the neck like I was last year.
I set very high standards for myself. My first customer of
the year allowed me to put my resolution into practice. This
old geezer asked for a Bud and a menu. I put the Bud in front
of him and had taken two steps in the direction of the menus
when he turned around and asked Lauryl, the waitress, for
a menu. Boy, I let him have it. Anyway, he chose Sabina's
Fish and Chips for lunch. Our Fish and Chips melt in your
mouth which is good because this fellow had no teeth. Try
them sometime. Like all our entrees they come with a free
soup or a salad.
The sporting highlight of 2002 was, undoubtedly, the Patriots
winning the Superbowl. Can you remember where you were? Mike
Sheehan, Robert Kenney and their buddies were there in New
Orleans. The second highlight of the year for me was the Ryder
Cup. It did not make it into Sports Illustrated's top 25 sports
memories of the year. I wonder why. Maybe some things are
best forgotten about.
The sports highlight of 2003 so far was watching the disappointment
and anger on Bill Cowher's ugly puss after the Pittsburgh
Steelers were knocked out of the playoffs. This is an annual
event I quite enjoy.
I just finished reading an article by Bob Ryan about college
athletic scholarships. He asks the question, "What is
the purpose of a college or university? Is it to educate people
or is it to entertain either it's own community or the public
at large by staging intercollegiate athletic competition?"
I have my own question and by the way there are exceptions
to this generalization. When listening to the typical NBA
or NFL player speaking and considering that they have four
years of college education, what exactly went on in the classroom?
Did they have a good time with the crayons and the Play-Doh?
Please do not insult real college students by calling these
people college students, they are pre-pro athletes.
Dick Egan resigned as American ambassador to Ireland and
will return to Hopkinton, MA. I couldn't help thinking, ah
well, at least there will be one less Dick in Ireland.
It was a shock to me to find out that Will McDonough had
passed away. I enjoyed reading his articles. He definitely
provided far more insight than the average journalist. May
he rest in peace. Bob Lobel's Sports Final was dedicated to
Will. Bob and his guests paid tribute to him. Joe O'Donnell,
a Boston businessman, said Will was the best in the WORLD
at what he did. We must conclude that Joe had read extensively
from Kenyan newspapers expounding the greatness of their marathons
runners, for example, before arriving at this conclusion.
Bob Lobel said that it was a pity we did not have a chance
to tell Will how well we thought of him while he was alive
and that we should not wait for people to die to say what
is on our minds. Okay Bob, while you're still alive; Bring
somebody with you when purchasing clothes to offer a second
opinion. The mirror is obviously insufficient equipment.
Anna Kournikova spent 2002 sliding down the tennis rankings
and sliding up my rankings.
Don't you think that the word "awesome" is bandied
around a little too freely? I recently asked a couple of customers,
who were enjoying lunch, how their hamburgers were. They both
replied simultaneously, "awesome". It was nice to
receive the compliment but I felt like saying that a hamburger,
no matter how good it is, cannot be awesome. The Grand Canyon
is awesome. Do our hamburgers really inspire awe?
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Mickey's Gripes - December 6, 2002
While flicking through the channels on a Saturday afternoon
recently something caught my attention. ESPNews were conducting
a national poll. They asked people to log onto their website
and vote which of four college football trophies is the most
unique. If you have any idea what this means please let me
know. I said this to Al Rose, who occasionally stops in for
a drink. He said, "Come on Mickey, you know what they
mean." No I do not. Something can be unique (one of a
kind) for good or bad reasons. Uniqueness does not imply any
endearing qualities. So do they want to know which is the
best trophy or the crappiest one? Also, there are no degrees
of uniqueness, it is and absolute concept. Nothing can be
more, less, sort of, rather, quite, very, slightly, particularly
or most unique. The word stands alone like dead, unanimous
and pregnant. Can you imagine some idiot taking this question
seriously? He places a picture of each trophy on the table.
After close examination he decides that one of them is more
unique than the other and by process of elimination he finds
the most unique of the four.
Still on the subject of Football, the following day, during
the Patriots and Vikings game the announcers informed us that
the Vikings had the worst turnover ratio in the NFL. The ratio,
we were told, was minus 17. Minus 17 is not a ratio but we
have begun to let dummies dictate our ever-changing and shrinking
vocabulary.
Christmas Shopping
At this time of the year, why do people
find it necessary to ask everybody else "How is your
Christmas shopping going?" Some are trying to console
themselves by finding people who are equally far behind as
they. Some are looking for an opportunity to brag that they
are "done", or better still "done and wrapped".
Don't come in and ask me how my shopping is coming along.
Don't worry it always gets done. Let me conclude by offering
you one piece of advice. Do it now or leave it to the last
second. Anywhere in between you are taking your life in your
hands. It's full of demented lunatics out there.
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